Sunday, December 11, 2011

Eight Legged Freaks

Hey, everybody. My name is Molly, and . . . I'm arachnophobic.

Hi, Molly.

I've been spider-free for about a week now.

You see . . . here, let me take you back.

--------------------* TIME MACHINE *--------------------

It all started innocently enough. I was washing my dishes one night after cooking a particularly predictable pasta dish.

Big whoop, right? Some things you just can't prepare for.

I was trapped. I'd been cornered, caught off my game, thrust headfirst into a situation that I was not too keen on entertaining. This spider had cast its web into my life, and I didn't know whether to scream, play dead, or punch it in the nose. (No one prepares you for these situations. Sharks and bears get all the tv time.) Plus my hands were really soapy, immensely affecting my speed and agility, thus rendering any size-advantage I had completely useless.

But I had to remain calm. For the spider and I, we were not alone. Not to sound scary or anything. There was just someone else cooking in the kitchen. But this person, despite my initial squeals of terror, remained COMPLETELY UNAWARE of our imminent danger.

She just stared at me. Like it was my fault I'd squealed. No help. Nothing.
You suck, kitchen girl, you really do.

I tried to laugh it off, in a feeble attempt at kitchen bonding.

Still nothing.

So I was forced against my better judgement to continue washing my dishes.
I didn't enjoy it.

But don't you think for a SECOND I took my eyes off that spider. No way, José. I look away, that spider jumps on my head, now I have spidery egg hair. You say that's not a jumping spider? I say it's just 'cause he hasn't tried yet. Spiders are quick learners.

A million years later, our kitchen buddy decided her slop was well done enough to leave me well alone.

. . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .


"Now, boys and girls, if you'll look to your left, you'll see one of our more prominent specimens, Homo Freakouticus. We can distinguish this particular specimen from related species of the time based on the array of multicolored zigzags you see here and a general air of unrelenting terror."


It was about this time I started questioning my moral beliefs. Essentially I had a little Sarah on one shoulder and a little McCall on the other.

Sarah: "KILL IT!"

McCall: "No!! All life is sacred!"

Sarah: "Spiders don't have souls, McCall. They don't count."

McCall: "What if it has a wife? And babies?"

Sarah: "Oh! Better yet, you could buy the spider a guppy, wait for it to fall in love with the guppy, and then KILL THE GUPPY WHILE THE SPIDER HAS TO WATCH!"

McCall: "All life is sacred!"

I tried, McCall, I really did. 

But you know that "30 and a half foot pole" they sing about in The Grinch? Yeah, I didn't have that. Saving required touching. And that was just not an option.

I pondered my next move.

I had limited tools to work with. I tried the cup. You see where that got me. The sponge? No, the spider would just crawl inside it and lay eggs, and then I would have a spidery egg sponge. Plus I still hadn't washed my dishes. My dishes . . . THE PLATE!

So I did what any normal person would do. I squished the spider with my plate.

Just kidding. I tried fanning the spider into the sink.

And do you know what happened? Probably not, because no one talks about this EVER! That spider straight up levitated. Like "away-from-the-wall" "I'm-not-standing-on-anything" levitated.

I call it the Chris Angel of Death.

Seriously, why have I never heard of this before? LEVITATING SPIDERS. As if spiders weren't scary enough, now they don't even need the ground?? I was under the false impression that if my face was not on the floor or on a wall or maybe next to a tree, then my face was safe from spiders. SURPRISE! Spider face.

Well, at a certain point, my Hulk senses kicked in, and the details are fuzzy. But there are still some things you just can't forget. With the power of wind, I forced that spider into the catacombs of the French plumbing system.
What a watery grave it was.



  1. molly you are the coolest!

    can't wait to see you!


  2. U just ain't right---but oh how i love u! hope u have a fab time with mommy and sis. i'll be there in spirit.....;-)


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